Getting Through the Holidays When Someone You Love Is Drinking
The holidays have a way of turning everything up.
There is more family time, more expectation, more alcohol around, and often a lot of pressure for everyone to have a good time. If someone you love drinks in a way that already worries you, Thanksgiving dinner or a holiday party can start to feel less like something you are looking forward to and more like something you need to manage.
You may find yourself thinking about how much they are going to drink before you have even left the house. Will they say something uncomfortable? Will anyone else notice? Should you say something, stay quiet, take the keys, smooth things over, or leave early?
And underneath all of that, you may still really want the holiday to be good.
Both things can be true. Woorking about someone’s drinking doesn’t have to mean you want them to stop entirely. You might simply want them to drink less, or differently. You can love someone, want the evening to go well, and be completely exhausted by how much energy you spend trying to keep their drinking from affecting everyone else.
If that sounds familiar, it may help to shift the goal. Instead of trying to figure out how to control what happens this year, you can decide ahead of time how you want to respond if things become difficult.
Why the Holidays Can Feel So Much Harder
Alcohol is already woven into a lot of holiday traditions. There is wine while cooking, cocktails before dinner, another bottle on the table, drinks during the football game, and relatives encouraging everyone to have one more.
That can make it harder to tell where ordinary holiday drinking ends and the pattern you are worried about begins. It can also make bringing up your concern feel almost impossible without becoming the person who is accused of ruining the mood.
So you watch.
You notice how quickly your partner refills their glass. You keep track of whether your dad has eaten. You start redirecting conversations when your brother gets louder. Maybe you quietly remove a bottle, make excuses for someone, or start cleaning the kitchen because doing something feels easier than sitting there waiting to see what happens next.
That vigilance isn’t a flaw. It’s care and self-protection working overtime, and it can be exhausting. If you grew up around drinking, that watchfulness may be older than this person or this holiday.
One of the things I work on with loved ones using a CRAFT-informed approach is separating caring about someone from taking responsibility for every choice they make. CRAFT stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training, and part of the work is learning how to communicate more effectively, reduce unnecessary conflict, and respond differently without pretending the drinking is fine.
That distinction matters all year, but it can be especially important around the holidays.
Start With What Is Actually Within Your Control
If you are going into Thanksgiving thinking, “I just need him not to get drunk this year,” its completely understandable to want that, and it’s also a job that isn’t fully in your hands.
You can ask. You can communicate what you are worried about. You can decide what you are willing to participate in. You can choose whether you stay. What you cannot do is make another adult stop drinking because it would make the holiday easier.
That can be frustrating, but it can also take some pressure off.
Instead of spending the entire gathering monitoring someone else, think about what would make the day manageable for you. Maybe you are comfortable staying as long as things remain calm, but you know you want to leave if yelling starts. Maybe you do not want your children riding home with anyone who has been drinking. Maybe you are willing to go to dinner but not stay late, because you already know that is when things tend to change.
The important part is deciding some of this before you are standing in your mother-in-law’s kitchen at 8:30 p.m., angry and tired, trying to figure out what to do.
A limit is much easier to hold when you have already thought it through.
A Boundary Is About What You Will Do
Boundaries can get confusing because people sometimes think setting one means finding the right sentence that will finally make another person behave differently.
That is not really what a boundary does.
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t drink tonight” is an attempt to change someone else’s behavior. So is, “You’re only allowed to have two drinks.” You may really wish either statement worked, but both still leave the outcome in someone else’s hands. A limit the person has chosen for themselves, or one you’ve worked out together, is a different thing. This is about limites you set on your own actions.
A limit sounds more like, “I’m happy to stay for dinner, but if things start getting heated, I’m going to head home.”
Or, “If you’ve been drinking, I’m going to drive the kids home.”
Or simply, “I’m not going to have this conversation while you’ve been drinking. We can talk tomorrow.”
Those statements are not about punishing anyone. They are about being clear about what you will do in a situation that affects you.
You also do not need to make a boundary dramatic in order for it to count. In fact, the more realistic it is, the more likely you are to follow through.
If you say you are going to leave when yelling starts, then leave if yelling starts. Not to prove a point or teach someone a lesson, but because you already decided that staying in that environment is not good for you.
That is an important part of CRAFT-informed work. The goal is not to create better ultimatums. It is to become clearer and more consistent about your own responses.
If You Want to Say Something About the Drinking
Timing matters.
Trying to have a big conversation after someone has already been drinking usually gives you pretty terrible conditions for having it. You may have been rehearsing what you want to say for three weeks, but bringing it up after the third glass of wine at Thanksgiving dinner probably will not make either of you feel more understood.
If there is something you want to talk about before the holiday, try to do it when both of you are relatively calm and the problem is not actively unfolding.
It can also help to be specific and talk about what you have actually noticed.
You might say, “I’ve noticed the last few family gatherings have ended with us arguing after we get home, and I’m worried about repeating that this year.”
That tends to land differently than, “You always get wasted and ruin every holiday.”
The second sentence may be a very accurate description of how frustrated you feel, but it also gives the conversation a dozen places to go sideways. Now you are arguing about the word “always,” whether they were actually drunk last Christmas, or everything you have ever done wrong.
The first version keeps the conversation closer to the actual concern.
You can be honest without trying to win the case. It also helps to say so when something goes well. ‘I loved having you at the table tonight’ can do more than any lecture.
That does not mean the other person will respond well. Clear communication is not a trick that makes someone agree with you. It just gives the conversation a better chance of staying focused on what you are trying to say.
If this is a pattern that extends well beyond the holidays, I wrote more about what actually helps when someone you love is drinking.
Have a Way to Leave Before You Need One
Sometimes one of the most useful things you can do before a holiday gathering is also one of the simplest: know how you are getting home.
Drive separately if that is an option. Keep your keys with you. If you have children, decide ahead of time what you will do if you want to leave earlier than planned. If you are staying with family, it may be worth thinking about whether you have somewhere else you could stay if the situation becomes uncomfortable.
You can also make the day easier without controlling anyone: have real food out early, stock nonalcoholic drinks that feel festive, and make sure everyone has a safe ride home.
Having an exit plan does not mean you are assuming the worst is going to happen. It just means you are giving yourself choices.
And you are allowed to leave before the night becomes a disaster.
You do not have to wait for a screaming match, someone falling, a child becoming upset, or the entire evening clearly crossing a line. Sometimes you can simply notice that the energy has changed and decide you are ready to go. If drinking is ever paired with threats, violence, or you feel unsafe, your safety comes first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-7233.
You can say, “We’re going to head out. Thanks for dinner.”
If someone presses you for an explanation, you do not have to turn your departure into another argument. “We’re just ready to head home. I’ll call you tomorrow” is enough.
Leaving early is not a failure. Sometimes it is simply the choice that lets you take care of yourself.
You Do Not Have to Fix Every Consequence
Softening the landing usually comes from love, and often from years of practice at keeping the peace. When you love someone, it is very easy to start softening the landing for them.
You explain why they were late. You clean something up before anyone notices. You tell the kids Dad is tired. You cancel plans for them. You send the apology text the next morning because you are embarrassed by what happened.
Sometimes stepping in makes sense, especially when safety is involved. But if you notice that you are constantly protecting someone from the ordinary consequences of their drinking, it is worth paying attention to.
Part of CRAFT involves becoming more aware of the ways our efforts to help can unintentionally keep a stuck cycle in place.
That does not mean becoming cold or deciding someone deserves to suffer. It just means you do not automatically have to take responsibility for fixing every uncomfortable thing that happens.
If they were rude to your sister, you may not need to repair that relationship for them the next morning. If they miss brunch because they are hungover, everyone else may still be allowed to go to brunch.
You can care deeply about someone without doing all of the cleanup.
Pay Attention to How the Holiday Was for You
If you spend the entire day monitoring someone else, your body may still feel keyed up long after you get home.
You might replay conversations in your head. You might wonder whether you overreacted or should have said more. You may feel angry with them, frustrated with yourself, relieved that the day is over, and sad that something that was supposed to feel special was so draining.
The next morning, try not to evaluate the holiday only by asking whether they behaved.
Ask how it was for you.
Were you able to enjoy any of it, or were you watching them most of the day? Did you stick with the limits you had decided on? If you didn’t, that’s information, not a failure. Did you find yourself abandoning your own needs to keep the peace? Was anything easier than it had been in previous years? Is there something you would do differently before the next gathering?
That information matters too.
Because the goal is not simply getting everyone through Thanksgiving without an incident. If someone else’s drinking has left you chronically anxious, resentful, hyperaware, or responsible for keeping everything together, you deserve support for what that has been like for you. Those are understandable responses to living on alert.
You do not have to wait until the person you love decides to change. You do not even need them to agree that something needs to change.
CRAFT-informed therapy for loved ones gives us a place to work on the part you actually have influence over: how you communicate, the limits you set, the ways you respond, and how you take care of your own stability in the middle of all of it.
You can still hope they change. You can want them to drink differently. You can miss the holidays you wish you were having. You can love someone deeply and still be tired of organizing your life around their drinking.
Those feelings can all exist at the same time.
If you are already bracing yourself for what might happen this holiday season, you do not have to figure out the whole relationship before asking for support. I offer virtual therapy for loved ones in California, Colorado, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin.
You can start with a free consultation and tell me what has been happening.
We can start there.
